I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
