i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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