someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
