my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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