nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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