He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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