New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
