i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
