so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
