so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
