My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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