She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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