I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
