Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
