he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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