Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
