Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize