Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
