I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
