who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
