you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize