im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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