Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
