i can't believe i had my finger in that
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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