I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
