dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize