I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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