That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I'm passing your future prison.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
