I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize