I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
