I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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