I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize