Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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