i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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