If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
