If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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