Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I checked into jail on foursquare
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
