I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
