I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
