someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
