you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
