i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
