this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
