he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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