FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
this hospital has no fireball
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
