I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
