and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Sorry about my life...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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