someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize