the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
