I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
