mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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