i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
