I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
