I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I deserve this hangover.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
