she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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