TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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