Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize