Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
