there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
