I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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