Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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