when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
there is glitter all over my balls
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
