My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
