I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
