What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
